Dear God
by Mallory Quinn
Summary: Let's get inside Terry's head with his personal diary. I wrote this story with my friend mrscage. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Dear God,

If I decided today to write you today after buying this journal, it's because I have no one to talk to, no friend, no confident, I feel so lost and so lonely. Today, I just found out, how the woman I thought was my mother really felt about me. She hates me with a passion. She resents my father for keeping me with him and marrying her. She said I should've stayed with my tramp of a mother, the cheap little actress… I was shocked to hear her talk like that. My father wasn't defending me… What did I do that was so wrong? I broke a window…only a window. Something that could be replaced in no time. But coming from her mouth, the window sounded more important than me her s…, her stepson. I also heard her say that tramp who was really my mother was as she said a "cheap actress"... Eleonor Baker. That was a shock…. That was the shock of my life! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Eleonor Baker was my real mother! I was happy, that this mean woman I called "mother" didn't share any blood with me. Eleonor Baker was one of the most famous actress in America and she had taken London by storm too…I've seen her in magazines, she was so beautiful. I even snuck out from boarding school, to go see her on stage. She played "Nana" to the perfection. I felt good seeing her, I felt like joining her on stage. I was drawn to her and now I know why…. She was my mother! My mother! That beautiful and talented actress was my mother! I heard my father and my stepmonster arguing… It turns out that my father was in love with my mother, she got pregnant but he couldn't marry her because of some stupid rules of society. Now I had a miserable childhood, without the woman who gave birth to me, because my father couldn't keep his pants on, then didn't have the courage to defy the rules of society and stay with the woman he loves. He married the toad and I got a stepmonster…I understand now why my father put me in boarding school, it was because my stepmonster can't stand the sight of me. Every time I called her "mother" it made her want to puke… Strangely enough hearing the truth from my stepmonster about how she really felt, was a relief. Because I was always wondering why she never, ever smile at me. Only my father seemed encouraging sometimes. She never showed any affection for me, never. I actually thought it was my fault. I also heard them arguing about the duke's title, which goes automatically to the elder son, thus me. The bastard child, like she called me, or not, that title was going to be mine… I don't really care about it, but I might just claim it when the time comes just to stick it to her. I went back to boarding school that evening on cloud nine. Finally was beginning to feel like I belonged somewhere… Why me, the son of the Duke of Grandchester, was dreaming of being on stage with Eleonor Baker and act by her side. What I felt was more than a crush on my favourite actress…it was the voice of blood, calling my name. My mother was calling me…And I was going to respond. I was going to America to find the woman who had given birth to me.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear God,

I can't believe that I will finally meet my mother. I don't think that there could be any word good enough to express my feelings now. I left that house, where there was no love and care for me, to go to live with the one who gave me birth. I won't have to live anymore with that stepmonster and the careless, cold father that I have, I don't even mention the half-brother and sisters. My dream will come true, I'm in a ship now going to America, I'm going to meet my mum and she certainly would be happy to see me. I finally belong somewhere…

Dear God, There was sometimes when I doubted about your existence but I want you to know that I am very sorry… It was just… you know living with that stepmonster was so hard for me. Moreover, I thought that she was my real mum, so I just couldn't accept the fact that my mum didn't love me. Now that I know the truth, nothing could hurt me anymore. I know that my real mother loves me and will be happy when she will see me. Yes, I am sure about that, as I remembered something yesterday when the ship was leaving the harbour. There was this little boy leaving his mother for a trip to America with his father. His mother cried a lot and she just wouldn't let him go. Then I understood the meaning of the flashes I had, you know I used to remember a woman crying on the pier and didn't want me to leave when I was a little boy. Now I know that it was my mother, who was crying because my father was taking me away from her. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her all these years far from her son. Her life must have been worse than mine was. She will be so happy to see me. Our sorrows would be past. My life will be perfect; I don't need my father who never cared about me. My mom and I… We could even go on stage together.

I really can't wait to go there; I hope that this journey won't take long. I'm here only since yesterday but time doesn't pass at all. I couldn't sleep last night, I brought with me some Shakespeare's plays to read but I can't concentrate on anything. I don't even want to eat anything but I must take good care of myself if I don't want to get sick and worry my mum. Oh it's so good to say this word: "mum". You know what I did today? I was walking on the board at the lunchtime, there were no one near and I cried "MUM YOUR SON IS COMING BACK!" I hope no one saw or heard me…


	3. Chapter 3

Dear God,

I don't know how long I've been on this boat, it seems like forever! When are you going to get to New York? I'm so excited; I can't wait to see her. I've prepared everything for this trip. I was able to find some old letters my mother had sent my father and I have her address. I'm going to take a cab straight to her house, hoping she doesn't have to perform that day. I look around on the boat and I see families together, going to America to celebrate the New Year. I'm going to celebrate the New Year, with my mother, this time around, with someone who's going actually be glad and happy that I'm by her side.

It's cold, we're getting closer to New York and I can see the snow falling and melting when it was hitting the water. I don't think I've ever seen the snow so beautiful, so white.

The boat is finally in New York. The formalities are taking way to long to do. I feel like yelling "I'm the on of the Duke of Grandchester, please let me go through!". But of course, that would be a bit much and I'm travelling alone, I don't have anyone with me to do the formalities for me, but I don't mind. I just feel like flying over all these people, and just get outside. But I had to be patient.

The formalities were finally over, after what seemed to me like an eternity. I took one of the numerous cabs at the harbour, with my suitcase. I gave the cabdriver my mother's address, he we took off. But he wasn't going fast enough for me and the traffic made me want to fly over all these cars… I wish I could fly. We finally arrived there. I was in front of her house, my mother's house!!! I got out and walked to the front door. It was snowing abundantly. I rang the door. My heart was beating hard and so fast. I was going to meet the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who loved me unconditionally since I was in her womb, the woman that was going to show me the love I've never had from a woman, from that stepmonster… The door finally opened… and a maid was in front of me… I wanted to tell her that I wanted to see my mother, but she didn't let me finish my sentence. She yelled: "Madam, madam, it's Master Terrence, it's your son!" I was surprised to see that the maid actually knew my name and who I was… So my mother talked about me. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I heard another voice saying from afar: "What? Terry?" She arrived, in the hallway panting, she was wearing a pink dress and she looked as stunned as the maid to see me there, standing there. Her beautiful blue eyes were staring at me. That beautiful woman was my mother.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear God,_

I don't know how long I've been on this boat, it seems like forever! When are you going to get to New York? I'm so excited; I can't wait to see her. I've prepared everything for this trip. I was able to find some old letters my mother had sent my father and I have her address. I'm going to take a cab straight to her house, hoping she doesn't have to perform that day. I look around on the boat and I see families together, going to America to celebrate the New Year. I'm going to celebrate the New Year, with my mother, this time around, with someone who's going actually be glad and happy that I'm by her side.

It's cold, we're getting closer to New York and I can see the snow falling and melting when it was hitting the water. I don't think I've ever seen the snow so beautiful, so white.

The boat is finally in New York. The formalities are taking way to long to do. I feel like yelling "I'm the on of the Duke of Grandchester, please let me go through!". But of course, that would be a bit much and I'm travelling alone, I don't have anyone with me to do the formalities for me, but I don't mind. I just feel like flying over all these people, and just get outside. But I had to be patient.

The formalities were finally over, after what seemed to me like an eternity. I took one of the numerous cabs at the harbour, with my suitcase. I gave the cabdriver my mother's address, he we took off. But he wasn't going fast enough for me and the traffic made me want to fly over all these cars… I wish I could fly. We finally arrived there. I was in front of her house, my mother's house!!! I got out and walked to the front door. It was snowing abundantly. I rang the door. My heart was beating hard and so fast. I was going to meet the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who loved me unconditionally since I was in her womb, the woman that was going to show me the love I've never had from a woman, from that stepmonster… The door finally opened… and a maid was in front of me… I wanted to tell her that I wanted to see my mother, but she didn't let me finish my sentence. She yelled: "Madam, madam, it's Master Terrence, it's your son!" I was surprised to see that the maid actually knew my name and who I was… So my mother talked about me. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside. I heard another voice saying from afar: "What? Terry?" She arrived, in the hallway panting, she was wearing a pink dress and she looked as stunned as the maid to see me there, standing there. Her beautiful blue eyes were staring at me. That beautiful woman, was my mother.

_She looked at me first, I thought I saw love and proud on her glance. No one looked at me that way before, but I mustn't forget that she is an actress after all, of course she knows how to pretend to have feelings that she doesn't. She took me in her arms just the way I could imagine, her embrace was so warm, it felt like home for a second. I was a little boy in her mother's arms… No one holds me since so many years… but she changed attitude towards me. She told me, looking into my eyes, that I should leave. After all these years she finds her son and all she can say to him is that he should go to his father and that no one should ever know that he is her son. I still can't believe that she didn't want me to stay with her. She could just point a knife on my heart, this would have been better. She told me that I, being her son should stay as secret if I wanted to have all my rights as the son of the Duke of Grandchester. Being the son of the Duke of Grandchester is it a curse that should follow me all my life? Why can't I just be Terry… Eleanor's son? Is it my fault to be born from an illegitimate relationship? I couldn't tell her that all that I wanted was to have a mother; that I didn't care at all of being a son of a noble father, that the second in her arms was the best time of my life and that I would give the rest of it to that second. How could I tell her? I never had someone in my life to teach me how to express feelings… Beside what could be the point of telling a mother that you want to live with her if she wants you to leave at the first moment that she sees you after years? So I showed the only feeling that I'm good at expressing… my anger! I got so furious that I even broke her necklace I think, while leaving. While I was running, it seemed to me that she called my name but I can't tell for sure, as I didn't turn around to look at her one more time._

Dear God, 

_now_ _that I read all the things that I wrote at the beginning of this page and on the whole diary, I hate her… I was so happy to go to find her at last, but she didn't want me. No one wants me! When I learned that I had a mother who were separated from me against her will I thought that I would finally find my place in this world, that all the pain that I went through would be over; but once again I was wrong. I was just stupid. And you knew it, maybe you laughed at me while I was trying to put in words my happiness. You know what? I won't be stupid anymore! I won't let people hurt me! I will hurt them! No one would ever see me week or crying again… I hate my mum, I hate my dad, I don't need them, and I don't need you!, and thank you for making me start the New Year with all the pain and anger that I feel. There's a party going on, on the boat just to make me feel worse! Everybody is celebrating New Year with the people they love, I'm the only one who has nothing to celebrate… has no one to celebrate with! Let me congratulate you, it couldn't be better, ! But I'm sure that you have again some unpleasant surprises for me! Now if you will excuse-me I'm going to walk to get some fresh air… _


	5. Chapter 5

_Dear God,_

I have to be in the church in a few minutes, I don't know if I should go there and pray to show you my gratitude or to curse myself for being so stupid... Let me explain myself.

You know that I looked for the freckled girl for four days after meeting her at the New Year's Eve. I don't know what was it but she managed to make me think of her more than to what happened with my mother. I still laugh when I remember her face when I teased her about her freckles. She was so funny... She even told me that I was jealous of her because I didn't have any freckles. Such a character!!! You see I still think of her right now but you gave me the chance to talk to her but I didn't say a word. Actually you gave me that chance twice but I ruined them both !!!  
First time was when the ship arrived at the harbour, I finally saw her, she was there, I recognized her from far and I was planning to talk to her, maybe ask where she was going if I could be able to see her in London. Then I saw two young men waiting for her at the harbour. They were yelling, waving at her, and she was so happy to see them too... What was I hoping? That she would have nobody to wait for her? That she would be there all alone just like me? When I left the ship I couldn't help myself turning my had to her direction to see her one last time. And she was looking at me too! Our glances met for a second. Then I left... I felt so bad, I was the only one from that ship who had no one to hold, no one to be happy to see!

The second chance that I had, was at the hotel Savoy. I went there to think about what I should do. It wasn't in my plans to come back from America so soon... To say the truth I wasn't planning coming back at all! I was on my way to my room when I saw that the door of the room next to mine was open. I don't know why but I wanted to get in. The room was empty but you could see that the person living there had just left, his bleongings were still there. I went to the desk and sit on the chair which seemed to me very confortable. There was a letter on the desk that took my attention, I thought about reading but didn't do it. Instead I lighted a cigarette... The smoke of it reminded me the fog when I met her and I started to think about her... a voice awaked me up from my thoughts. It was a girl presenting herself. I felt ashamed that I was in somebody else's room and didn't want to show it. When she said her name I realized that the letter that I found was for her. I turned around to see her , to give her the letter and excuse myself for being in this room. To my big surprise it was her!!! It was the freckled girl, now I know her name Candice White Andrew... It really is a beautiful name. Yes you gave me two chances to talk to her that day and what did I do? I gave her the letter saying that it was for her, and I left... But what else could I do? I was in somebody else's room like a thief, and they were looking at me with surprised eyes. Maybe if she was alone I could talk to her but she had with her the two boys that came to pick her from the harbour. Who were they? It's weird but I must admit that I had a feeling very close to jealousy! Come on Terry, maybe they are her brothers... As if it's matter! Now that I'm in this stupid school, I won't see her again!!!

Oh crap! I'm late for the church and I sure will have a lecture from Sister Gray. And of course I will have to act like I don't care it all to save my reputation ! After all, my reputation is the only thing I have that makes them respect me...


	6. Chapter 6

_Dear God,_

I was walking to the church dragging my feet. I didn't really felt like going there. I'm sorry if I'm offending you, but my state of mind at that time was kind of messed up… So I apologise in advance for what I'm about to do and also because I'm sure you're not going to tell anybody. I can trust you.

I arrived in front the church and I could hear the priest doing his sermon. I opened the door loudly and I started walking making noise with my shoes on purpose. The priest stopped talking and the reverend mother yelled at me for being late and she told me to go sit at once…All the students were looking at me. That's what I wanted…so I started laughing out loud. The reverend mother asked me what was so funny. I told her that the students looked so pure but if we could hear what they were really thinking, we would all be blushing. The reverend mother got so upset and she could barely finish her sentence when she was talking to me, I actually had to finish her sentence for her! She wanted me to get out, so I told her I wasn't staying anyway… she asked me why. I told her I was there to take a nap, because the church was usually cool and calm that usually church started later. I grabbed a boy and told him to come and get me when the show is over. I have to admit that was a little much, but it was so fun! The nuns and the priest were outraged! I wanted to laugh again. I started walking away, when the reverend mother called me. I told her I will wait for her in her office. I walked away laughing… the nuns were asking you to have mercy on me. As I walked my eyes are closed and then something told me to stop, I have no idea why I stopped at the precise place. I opened my eyes and looked. I saw to two big surprised emerald eyes staring at me… I felt like something got inside me, a weird sensation… happiness! I was happy to see her in the same school as me! I thought I would never see her again! Thank you for this God. She looked so pure and innocent. She was wearing the white dress, instead of the black dress like the rest of the girls. She probably didn't know or someone must've tricked her…She couldn't have done it in purpose, unless she did to stand out. Whatever it was it worked because I saw her immediately and my heart jumped of joy and it was beating loud and faster. We looked at each other for a few seconds… it was like we understood each other, when I looked into her eyes, she looked stunned to see me there and I felt safe and I had no idea why. Of course I couldn't show that to her or anybody else. I had a mocking smirk on my lips and she turned her head, a little ashamed, confused, embarrassed… I'm not sure, and she closed her eyes. So I left the church and I walked around the school court and I was sitting by the tree, thinking about Candy. About how happy I was to see her, to see that she went to the same school as me…That girl made me feel good her kindness when we first met touched me a lot. I don't know how long I stayed there thinking about her. I heard one of my classmate calling my name, so I stood up and walked away from the tree, she was behind the tree and she stood up suddenly when she saw me. We were facing each other and she said my name, she said "Oh…Terry" … That was music to my ears, it sounded so sweet coming from her …I said to myself; "There's your chance to talk to her …" But it was like I was frozen on the spot… we just stared at each other, like idiots. I felt so stupid. When I finally got the courage to say something my classmate calls me again saying the reverend mother wanted to see me and that she was angry. I told him she was an old owl and I left with him. Candy just stood there looking at us from behind. I could feel her eyes looking at my back… I was ready to get any punishment the reverend mother had for me, because I has was on cloud nine, after seeing Candy, the girl with freckles on her nose... Thank you God.


	7. Chapter 7

**_Chapter 7_**

_Dear God,_

_I'm writing this page up in a tree, it's sunday and I didn't go to the morning prayer, instead I took my horse for a ride... I know I'm a troubled boy, I don't attend the prayers at Church but I'm writing my diary to you! But I know you would understand me, I couldn't go there after what I did last time. How could I go there and pray quietly now that everybody talks about my "mass interuption". They all think that I'm a rebel! This is how I wanted them to think but I would like to know how she feels about me after that day._

_After that day I saw her only once and didn't get the chance to talk to her. A few days ago I met an old woman in the yard, she asked me where was the girls' ward. It was late in the evening and I told her that families weren't allow to see the students. She was so upset, she started to cry and told me that she wanted to see her grand daughter. I felt sorry for her, even my mother didn't care about me as much as this old lady was caring for her grand child. I wanted to help her and we made a plan. I broke the window of the girls' ward to distract the girls and Sister Margaret, of course it worked and she snuck in to her grand daughter's room. While I was talking with Sister Margaret all the girls came to see what was going on. And she was there too... she was looking at me with surprised eyes, I wonder what she thought about me._

_Hey what is that? I can't believe she is coming towards here, with a boy holding her hand. Will they make out or what? He must be her boyfriend... But she tells him to let go of her arm. Maybe he isn't her boyfriend. I guess I should stay here, on the tree, without saying anything and see what is going on. She may need help with this mean looking boy. They are arguing, oh they seem to know each other from America. Maybe an ex-boyfriend? Oh my God what did she say to him: " You are still wimpy show-off even in London!" She is so funny... Hey what is going on ? That stupid boy brought his friends with him? Three boys messing around with a single girl! That's something that I could expect from that coward... and she still staying couragous and doesn't fear them. Oh my God they made her fall, should I intervene now or wait to see how she will react?  
What did this boy mean when he said that she worked in the stables? She isn't a rich girl? Oh they are pulling her beautiful hair, and telling her to cry but she doesn't cry. What a girl! How these boys could want to make her beautiful green eyes cry? He tells her that this school isn't for her kind and what am I waiting to beat them?_

_Dear God,_

_I'm in my room now, thinking about what hapened today. I can't believe that I waited so long before I intervene. After that the boy told her that she wasn't good enough for this school, I hit them with my whip to made them let go her of. And I asked him: " But it's ok for my kind? Right  
boy?" Candy was looking at me with her big green eyes open wide. She was surprised to see me! Then she said my name... "Terry..." There was such a sweetness and gratitude in her voice that I wanted to kiss and console her. Of course I didn't. I had to fight first with those cowards. I turned to the boy and said: "I heard you saying you're free to stay." Then I jumped from the tree. I know that this move was quite intimidating. They were looking at me without daring to say anything. Then I said: "Well then?" and the coward answered me, he said, "Please do" and of course it was the wrong answer. I asked him if he told me this because I was the eldest son of an eminent English nobleman and he answered,  
"Yes". It was the wrong answer again! I asked him if the rich people was so admirable. And I punched him, he fell on the ground. Candy was looking at the scene. And I decided to teach those american boys the kind ways of english aristocracy by punching them. I turned to Candy who was looking at me. Then I said the boys to get out, they ran like coward chickens. Candy was still looking at me but I didn't want to say anything to her. Actually I wanted to say a lot of things to her but I guess I was just scared. Yes Terrence Grandchester was scared to talk to a girl! But then she called me. She told me to wait. I turned around. And I asked her if I could help her. She was trying to thank to me and was looking at me with her green eyes full of emotion. I had to stop myself from taking her in my arms. And I said that I wasn't trying to protect her. But I couldn't say this, looking into her eyes so I closed my eyes. She looked surprised. Then I turned my head and told her that I hate this kind of people and that was all. Of course that wasn't all but I'm not good in showing my feelings as you already know. I looked at her face, she was looking at me without knowing what to say. She was trying to thank to me but I was talking nonsense._

_Then I wanted to tease her, to make her smile and also to show her my affection. As this is the only way that I know. And I told her if she was trying to confess her love to me, actually I was trying to confess my love to her! And I called her "Miss Freckles" just like I did on that ship when we first met. I know my words scared her. And I told her that I knew an ideal place for love confessions! I know I am a lout... Of course she was under shock, and she refused. I told her that I wasn't interested in freckled girls anyway. I still can't believe that I said this. While I was leaving she was yelling at me that her name wasn't Miss Freckles but it was Candice White Andrew... No, she is "my Miss freckles" no matter what she says her name is... _


	8. Chapter 8

**_Chapter 8_**

_Dear God,_

_I was in my bedroom not too long after I saved Candy from those boys, it was the evening. I was looking out my balcony and a saw a rope getting tied to a branch and a girl swinging on it like Tarzan! It was her, she was going to the boys room! The two boys who came to get her at the harbour. Their room was close to mine. One day, the dandy one, came in my room by mistake. I don't know what came over me, but I got angry, very angry, I punched him and I yelled at him! Maybe I was probably jealous because he was with Candy at the harbour and the hotel… And now she's going to his room! Why? I heard they were cousins, but that coward earlier was saying she worked at the stables... I heard rumours saying that she was adopted, so they're not blood cousins…so something might happen between them…Why am I letting my imagination run wild? I was keeping an eye and I saw her climb out the balcony and walked to her room. I felt relieved that she didn't stay long in her cousins' room._

_Then came the fifth Sunday, the day all the students are allowed to go out with their family members. Since I don't get along with either my dad or my wicked stepmonster, I was smoking on a small hill in the school court. I was laying on the grass smoking, feeling relaxed when I heard someone talking. It was her, she was surprised to see me smoking and she told me it was bad for my health. She was there, near me and of course I instead of being nice to her, I was started acting stupid again. I acted like a fool saying why can't I be at peace… I blew a puff of smoke on her face. She started coughing, telling me I should be ashamed of myself hiding to smoke… I offered her a cigarette and she of course refused saying she doesn't need at all, I told her not to make that face that it didn't suit her especially with her freckles. I told her that went she got angry here freckles shined and I called her "Miss Freckles". She repeated to me that her name was not Freckles and that I was a lout an insolent and all sorts of other names… I can't believe I was so rude! I asked her how I should call her to please her, if I should call her "Miss Tarzan" … she asked me why… I told her I saw a white rope last night getting tie to a branch and that there was a savage animal or a she-chimpanzee swinging on the rope and landing on the boys' balcony. She looked like she was thinking, I discovered her secret…she looked worried for a second. So I said what's it going to be, Miss Freckles or Miss Tarzan, maybe I should call you Cheetah the she-monkey. She forbids me to call her that. I told her that her request is going to be honoured and I called her "Miss Cheetah Freckles"… I told her not to get angrier that it wasn't pretty, her freckles were twice as visible. I asked her if what she was going there, since it was the fifth Sunday. She asked me the same thing. I told her I didn't like people's company that I like to be alone; she said it wasn't a reason. She told me that the place with her hill, her place and forbids me to smoke or pollute the air her tree was breathing. Then she left. I whistled… I still can't believe I blew another occasion to talk to her!!!!! We were alone in the school, it was the perfect occasion! But of course as usual I had to act like a fool…like a part of me wanted to push her away…_


	9. Chapter 9

_Dear God,_

The fifth Sunday is about to be over. After starting the day very badly all alone in this huge school, I met "her" at the hill. I started to feel good after that meeting and decided to go outside, to have some fun and also to spend my father's money in most stupid ways possible!

I went to Epson to watch horse race and spend some money gambling. You can't imagine my surprise, (alright maybe you can!) when I saw her there. My Freckles is really full of surprises. She went to horse race! She mistook "Royal King" with an American horse "Pony Flash". She was there looking at the horses with a man beside her. I don't know who he was but don't think that it was her father as she called him Mr....Mr. Something don't remember as she didn't introduce him to me. I couldn't help myself to touch her shoulder from behind when I saw her, I wanted to see her face to be sure that it was her. As if her funny pigtails would left any doubt! I know I'm so happy today that I can't even write seriously...

What was I saying? Oh yes. I touched her shoulder she turned back and said my name... "Terrence..." The way she says it always melts my heart. And I told her that she mixed up the horses that this one was "Royal King". And she asked the man who was with her if I was right. That Mr... maybe I should find him a nickname too as I don't remember his name, let's call him Mr. Moustache as he had a big moustache on his face. Well he showed her Pony Flash that was a white horse with short legs and looking funny. She was all sad and embarrassed when she saw it. I wanted to cheer her up and started to laugh. And guess what I said? " It looks exactly like you. It has got freckles all over" I know I'm mean... And she  
didn't even object, she said it didn't matter as it was going to run faster than the others. I wanted to have fun and proposed her to bet. If her horse finished in the top three (it was impossible) I would stop calling her "freckles" anymore (this was impossible too!) but if it loses she would become my slave. I told her that she would have to light my cigarette if I wanted to smoke and make me tea if I was thirsty... there was one more thing that I wanted to tell but I had to stop myself from saying it... that I wanted her to hold me in her arms when I would need consolation. She gives me hope and consolation without even knowing it...

The race started and Pony Flash was at the last rank. She started to yell with all her power that "Tom's friend" was rooting for him. "Tom's friend" I heard it well, she called herself Tom's friend. Who is this Tom? Another one from America? How many boyfriends she has from there? First that coward guy who attacked her at the school and then this boy "Tom". If this Tom raises horses maybe she worked with him in the stables as the coward guy said? What is she doing at this school if she isn't a rich girl? I'm off topic again I know, sorry... Well Pony Flash was fourth! I didn't expect it to finish the race at all... but I guess it was really a strong horse, I bet it will be better at the next races when it will get used to it. At the end of the race, she came to ask me what she should do first as my slave, if she should polish my shoes! She looked so sweet that I could've kissed her right there! And I told her that from where I was looking her horse was third… She wanted to object to what I said but I didn't let her speak as I left telling her that we should part our ways…I already missed her… Maybe I should have let her be my slave after all . 


	10. Chapter 10

_**Chapter 10  
**_

_Dear God,_

I was lying on the grass one day smoking and I thought I was alone and then I heard a voice saying; "What are you doing there, Terrence Grandchester!". It was the reverend mother caught me smoking on school properties!! I was going to have to argue with her again! I turned around fast and what I saw wasn't the reverend mother, but Candy!!! I was surprised to see it was her, she imitated the reverend mother perfectly. She was a prankster too! I was glad to see her. She had her hands on her hips with a frown on her face. She was beautiful when she's angry, she was beautiful when she's laughing… but I think I already told you that…but I can't help myself. I told her I thought she was really the reverend mother for a second and I offered her a puff of my cigarette. She said she already told me not to pollute the air her tree breathe and called me an ill bred; while saying that she took my cigarette and threw it on the ground and stepped on it. I looked at her stunned. She took the liberty to throw my cigarette on the floor and I let her… She was getting very comfortable with me, she cared about me enough to worry about my health. That thought made me happy. Then she took something out of her pocket and gave it to me, saying it was a present. She gave me a present! I never felt so happy in my life. But of course, I had to be myself and I asked her what it was, she said it was her harmonica her favourite instrument. So I said I understood that it was a way for her to taste my lips. She was outraged for a second and I told her I was kidding. She calmed down and said she never knew what to expect with me. I started playing the harmonica and she sat by my side listening to me. That was a very nice moment. I was so happy. She gave me a present and we didn't argue, we had a normal conversation and it felt good. This girl was the one for me. The bell rang; she stood up saying she had to go to class and told me "see you later", and ran back to school. I looked at her leave and I thought she was just so daring! Ripping the cigarette from my hand, giving me her harmonica in replacement. I should play the harmonica, the harmonica that touched her lips… that crack I made earlier, I was the one who wanted to know the taste of her lips, since she wasn't going to use it again by giving it to me… I can be a fool sometimes! That girl is driving me nuts, I'm starting to think nonsense…

Dear God,

I was bored one evening and I jumped the wall and I went downtown in a bar to drink. I got drunk… I know it's bad to drink, but it helps me forget and numb the pain inside me. The ironic thing it's that the hang over the next day is a killer… why do I like to make myself suffer like that? When I was drunk I was outside walking it was like some thugs saw me when I was inside that I was a rich preppy boy and since they saw I was drunk, they thought they could jump me and take my money… The only thing they didn't count on was that I was going to resist them, I wasn't going to let them take my money. So I wad fighting them, trying to stop them from taking my money. One of the thugs stabbed me with a knife on my left leg. The pain was so strong it made me fall, I thought I was going to faint when one of the guy wanted to jump me again, to take advantage of my sudden weakness. When a man came, out of the blue and fought them of with me. He was my guardian angel! Because, you know what would've happened if he hadn't come, they would've stabbed me some more and killed me so I wouldn't identify them if the police got involved. The man was tall with long blond hair and with sun glasses, in the middle of the night…! Maybe he could still feel the sun… Ok, that was mean. He just saved my life and I'm thinking about why was he wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night. He took me back to college and he jumped the wall with me and helped get into my dorm, by the window. I walked to my room despite the pain in my leg hurting me with every single step I took. I finally entered my bedroom and I fell on the floor, when I heard a voice… asking who was there. I couldn't believe my ears, it was her voice! What the hell (sorry) was she doing in my room? I looked she goy out of her bed, put on a room and ran to me. "Terry" she said, hearing her voice while I was in such pain was like they put a soothing balm on my wound. I realised I had the wrong room! The bed was on the wrong side! I was in the girls' dorm! Oh my God and I had to come into the room of the object of my affection! She has the same room number as me!!! I was happy, I was angry, because she saw me in the pitiful state, drunk, hurt… I cursed myself a thousand times. Why was I always showing my weaknesses to this girl? The first time we met I was crying and now, she sees me wasted? But she never talked about seeing cry, she doesn't want to hurt me, she's a very nice girl and that thought only makes me melt some more for her. I told her I mad a mistake, that they opened the wrong window for me. She turned on the light And saw that I was hurt and she asked me if I was drunk so I breathe in her face, she pushed me away upset. What on earth was I doing? I was drunk and hurt and I still felt the need to tease her. Then she went to get a small towel and clean my wounds. We were talking and I told her what happened. The way she was looking at me she must've been wondering why was I such a loser to go and get drunk in the middle of the night and then get attacked… She was bandaging my leg a little strongly and I told her to be gentle and she said if I like being the though guy and fight on the street I have to know how to suffer. I told her she taking her revenge on me, and I called her Miss Tarzan. She kindly told me that it was not Miss Tarzan but Miss Freckles, that I shouldn't forget about it, and she called me Mr. Grandchester. She was so sweet. But I had to ruin it by telling her she had a good memory but I should've called her "Little Pest". She was stunned and she blushed. You have no idea how beautiful she was. My pain was still there. I told her that I was going to rest for a while and then leave. She went to the bathroom and she came back wearing her red coat to tell me that she didn't have what I needed and she was going out for it? I told her it wasn't safe, that I was fine, I didn't need anything, but she wouldn't listen. She put some pillows under me and covered me with a blanket. I called out her name in pain, and she told me to wait for and not move, that she would be right back. She jumped through her balcony and left. I dozed off for a while and when I woke up , she wasn't there. I felt a little better, so I stood up to see if I could walk and I realised what a good job she did on the bandage on my leg. She was a good nurse. But I couldn't wait for her, she might get in trouble, so I jumped the balcony and went back to my room despite the pain. When I got there, I just fell on the bed with my clothes on, I didn't have the strength to take them off. 


	11. Chapter 11

_Dear God,_

After the night of the fight I didn't want students to see me weak, and I stayed in my room until I felt better. The rumours were already going in the school that I was badly injured. When I was ready to leave my room I went to the hill, the one Candy claims her own! I wanted to play there some harmonica hoping to see her too. I wanted to thank her and thought that she would be there and I was right! I saw her lying on the grass thinking about something, maybe about me, who knows?! I was watching her without being able to say anything... Sun was going down and she was lying there, daydreaming, it was the most beautiful sight that I ever saw... and all I could do was stand there paralyzed... I had to say something and I said what I really felt for the first time but off course with a mocking tone : "Seeing a girl lying in grass is such a nice sight!" She was surprised and she said my name: "Terry!" she said that she was happy to see me recovered so quickly... Did I say that she was so sweet? And she was worrying about me! My father nor my mother worries about me, they don't even know what I'm doing! I could die that night and they wouldn't care! Thinking all this I said her that she didn't have to worry about me and I called her "freckled tarzan" She was mad she told me that I was stubborn! And she was right... She said that she was "Candy", yes I bet she is as sweet as a candy, I wonder her taste... Sorry God, I didn't mean it...

She told me that she went for medicine for me that night and I told her that she breaks the rules too. She was upset and she told me that she wasn't kidding that she was worried about me that she did it for my sake! In my whole life no one ever worried about me... So I misunderstood her. I thought that she wanted something in return and I couldn't control my anger... When I told her that, she got mad... I never saw her that mad. She told me that she wouldn't ask anything from me even if I begged her! And she left saying me farewell... I regretted it so much...

She is the only one who did something good for me.. just for me without asking anything in return.

Then God you gave a chance to make me forgive to her... I went to the zoo to thank the man who saved my life that night. Albert. He works there. We were talking when we heard a girl's voice calling "Mr Albert". She came in and said "Boo Mr Albert!" I tought that my imagination was playing me tricks when I heard her voice. I turned around and saw her and she saw me too! She said "Terry!" and I said "Candy!" we couldn't hide our joy when we saw each other and at the same time we turned our heads embarrassed to show our happiness! I was happy to see her and  
I'm sure that she was happy too... Albert realized that we knew each other. When she told him that we were going at the same school, he started to laugh. He loved to see us "the two troublemakers of the St Paul" at his shack... He is right... Maybe we are troublemakers and this is what connects us...

Albert told her that he was the one who saved me that night. So I told Albert that I was grateful to him that without his help I don't know how it would've ended, but that he mistook the girls' ward for boys' ward when he carried me back to school. Albert was a little embarassed to learn that. Candy was looking at him with admiration in her eyes, she told him that he must be tough as he saved me... and he told her that he had more experience in fighting, that was all... I guess he was a troublemaker as well. When I told him that; he said that he was still a troublemaker and would stay that way forever... Me too! We laugh with all our hearts... The sun was coming from the window and I was happy... I found a friend in Albert.

A few days ago I had nobody to trust, to love but now I have a good friend like Albert and a sweetheart like Candy! I feel that Albert and I will be best friends forever... and Candy and I... let's see what will happen with her. Oh God you had only good surprises for me after the New Year's Eve... and I can't wait to see what else you have. I'm so happy! 


	12. Chapter 12

_Dear God,_

I'm thinking of my life and I feel depressed again. I just received a letter from my mother, she wrote me apologising and she sent me a picture, an autographed picture like I was one of a fans or something. An autographed picture! All I wanted was for her to hold me, feel me. Was that too much to ask God? She couldn't even do that for more than a minute, and now she's sending me autographed pictures? I'm her son, not a fan! I want her in the flesh, not some picture on iced paper!!!! How could she treat me like a fan?! I took my her picture, looked at it again, she was beautiful and she rejected me, and she think an autographed picture of her is going to make up for the way she treated me? Like that's going to make any difference in the way I feel... I took a pen and I scratched her picture, one she autographed especially for me…her biggest fan… sorry her only son. I need some air, it's night, curfew time, but I needed to take a walk to clear my head a little. I was angry, so upset. I walked around for a while and then I went back to my room. Someone was there, I went closer, and it was Candy. I asked her what she was doing in my room, she was surprised, and she couldn't answer me. I repeated the question; she was frightened by my tone, since I was really angry. She finally mumbled, walking backwards, that she was sorry and she dropped something from her hands. I picked it up, it was my mother's picture. I looked at her with cold eyes and I tore up the picture into pieces. She was looking at me surprised. She now knew my secret, a secret I wished I could forget about…She said she was sorry that she got the wrong room, probably going to see her cousins again. I held her by the shoulders and I told her no to tell anybody about what she saw, never to talk about it, or I wouldn't know what I do… we looked at each other then I turned around and walked away. "Terry" she said… she called my name, I calmed down a little, then I yelled at her telling her to leave, loudly. "Terry" she called me again, she said she won't tell anybody, she gave me her word. I yelled and told her to leave. And she left. Then I started thinking; why didn't I tear up my mother's picture when I first got it? She was dead to me anyway. And why was I so mean to Candy? It's not her fault. I had no right to yell at her. I was angry at myself, not at her. I shouldn't have torn the picture after all… I really need to make up my mind about that picture! I went to see her in secret during the winter, what was I expecting from her? Everything and she crushed my heart. All I wanted was to see her, hug her and she almost pushed me away, she hugged me for 10 seconds…and she sent me away, in the snow. On my way back I saw Candy for the first time. Our roads keep crossing ever since… I'm fighting against myself… her kindness is giving me hope in life, but… nevertheless…My stepmonster is so mean, my father indifferent… this is so frustrating the hell with everybody!!!! I threw everything on my table on the floor and I left my room to go for a ride on my dear Sheila, my mare. That should clear my head better this time. While I was riding I heard someone screaming. I went back with my horse and I saw Candy on the ground in her nightgown. My heart jumped and I was on the ground picking her up. She was unconscious. I called her name, she wouldn't answer me, but she said something, a name: "Anthony"… my heart was pierced right there. Who the hell was Anthony?! I took her to the infirmary and I found Sister Margaret who showed me a bed and she went to call the reverend mother. Candy said that name again, it was the third time already… yes I was keeping count! Can you blame me? At the horse race she said "Tom" now it's "Anthony"? I looked at her face in tears for that "Anthony"…she was crying for him… I couldn't take it anymore, stay there and listen to her say another boy's name, so I left. But I couldn't go back to my room, I had to see if she was all right, so I hid in the bushes until the nuns took care of her and she was going back to her room, it didn't take long, I knew my Miss Tarzan was a tough girl! I moved and she stopped like she heard me, but she continued her way. She must've been upset by I don't know what, otherwise, she wouldn't have fainted. I touched her tears she was shedding with my fingers, when she said his name again. Anthony, who is he for her, that Anthony???!!!!!!! I'm jealous and my heart is burning, my love for her is burning my heart. 


	13. Chapter 13

_Dear God,_

It's been a funny day today. Just the way I like it, I had the chance to beat some coward boys, to hear my sweetheart thanking me and to make fun of a spoiled rich girl…

It started with the fight… I was walking in the woods just to clear my mind, you know I had a very bad night, couldn't sleep at all after seeing Candy crying… she was shedding tears for "Anthony"… Wonder who he is…Now let's forget about him, he could be her brother or a cousin, next time I'll see her I will ask her who he is. Until then I want to tell you what happened today. As I said it before, I was walking in the woods, to be alone and think when I saw Neil … the boy who attacked Candy last time with his two friends. I learned his name after that fight, I wanted to know my enemy, yes who ever attacks my Freckled Tarzan will be my enemy from now on…Especially after last night when I saw her so fragile, I will let no one ever hurt her, this my God, I swear it to you!!! That coward Neil was following her with his friends and they were talking about Candy having a secret. I didn't want to let them touch her one more time after that day… I had to intervene. They all stopped and looked around when they heard me calling Neil's name. I asked those wimps if they wanted to know a girl's secret. Can you believe that stupid Neil dared to tell me that it had nothing to do with me and that I had to move? How it can have nothing to do with me? They were following MY Candy!!! I asked him to move me himself… Of course he couldn't attack me alone he asked his friends and I guess I couldn't teach them well their lesson last time because they seemed to want more…It took me, I don't know, maybe two minutes to beat them all! I asked them to get up to fight but I guess they didn't understand me well, because when they got up from the ground, they started to run instead of keeping fight… Neil told me that he would remember this… I hope so because it's not funny to beat them all the time…

After that morning exercise with those wimps, I went for a horse ride and then started to rest up on a tree. Actually, I was trying to hide from Candy after last night I wasn't ready to see her… fearing that I would hurt her asking her about "Anthony" … Who is he? Tell me God who is he?... I didn't realize that Candy was looking for me…She came under the tree where I was resting and took my coat that I put on a branch and then started to yell… " A-AAAAA !!! Thank you for saving me! Thanks from the bottom of my heart!!!!" You should have heard her, well I guess you did… It was so funny… I didn't understand why she was yelling like that but I was happy that she was thanking me from the bottom of her heart… So she knew that it was me who carried her to the infirmary. She was so sweet… "from the bottom of her heart"… do I have a place in her heart? When I think all those boys that she keeps telling their names I doubt about it. Then she left… I understood why she acted like that when I saw that a girl was following her. What's wrong with all the students of this school? Why they all follow her? This spoiled girl fell in the hole that was prepared for me by the cowards of the morning. They must have thought that I could be as stupid as they are to fall in this hole… But it was this girl who fell in it. She started to yell for help. I couldn't let her there so I jumped from my tree… I told her that she held her nose up while walking and it landed her there. And she ordered me let her out! I couldn't believe her!!! Still I acted like a gentleman and gave her my hand but she answered me that she wouldn't touch the worst punk in school, that she would dirty her hands!!! Can you believe her? I left her there saying that people were rarely coming this way, when she feared that I would let her there, she called me back. I gave her my hand and pulled her from there, she was very heavy… I wanted to have fun with her, as she didn't want to touch my hand I decided to kiss hers… It was so funny… She said "filthy" and she was almost falling again trying to get away from me. I had to hold her… Do you know what she did instead of thanking me? She accused me to have made this hole!!! I told her that it was Neil who did it, and she protected him saying that he was completely unlike me! Thank God, the last thing that I would like to be is to be "like Neil". She left while I was laughing, it was so funny what she said…

Thank you God for this entertaining and full of surprises day! You managed to make me forget about the night and Candy's tears… for Anthony… But who is he???  



	14. Chapter 14

_Dear God,_

It was a nice day in May so I decided to sneak out of the school to go to the zoo to see my friend Albert. Every body was busy with the May Festival's preparations. They're not going to notice my absence. Albert was very nice and happy to see me. It was good to have a friend to talk to. But I can't confide in him, since he knows Candy too. I wish I could… But anyhow, I was having a nice conversation and laughing, when she showed up. She was surprised to see me there, she had a turtle with in her hands. Albert mentioned "Speak of the devil" and she knew we were talking about her. We talked about her nicknames and she was not happy. Albert asked her what she had in her hands she said it was her friend's turtle named Charlotte to give to him so he could take car of it. Albert agreed, took the turtle and had to go start his shift. He left and Candy came to sit across from me. She looked a little shy, she blushed and she was adorable. I was so happy to be with her, here was the occasion for me to talk to her. So I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk with me. She agreed. So we were walking in the zoo. I was walking on air and then I had to do something stupid again as usual. I called to come and see someone who looked like her, she came running and I showed her monkeys. She was upset, stuck her tongue out to me and I told I'm going to call her Chita… she got upset, I ran away, she followed me. I bought some candies and I found her looking around for me. I gave her some candies. She told me she thought I ran because I was scared of her. I told her I was not scared of her. We had fun playing with the candies with some squirrels. I wanted to hold her by the waist, she looked at me I blushed and removed my hand. How embarrassing! Why did I hesitate? I wanted to hold her! Great Terry, that was just great! So to change the conversation I asked what she was doing there at the zoo. She said she defended her friend for having a turtle and she called the reverend mother an animal, and she was punished and won't be participating to the May festival. I burst out laughing. She was a little annoyed I thought it was funny, I told her the named suit her well This girl wasn't afraid of anything! Talking back to the reverend mother? Aside from me, I don't know of anybody else in the entire school who dared to do it. I just loved even more; she never ceased to amaze me! She told me she heard that it was fun and told her yes, it was. She told me she was going to miss all the fun and that she even invited Albert. I asked her how she knew Albert, she told me they met in America that he saved her life, she said other stuff, but all I heard was she consoled her with Anthony died. There, that name again! But did she just said he was dead? So I'm competing with a dead guy?! That's not good, the dead can do no wrong! So I asked the question that was burning my lips since that night I carried her in my arms when she fell; who was Anthony? She told me she thought I was him on the boat when she saw me. She said he was a kind and gentle boy he liked roses. I was boiling with jealousy, so I told her that I didn't want to look like him, that a boy who likes roses was probably a sissy. She said he was a sissy that he was strong. She asked me why I was so rude and mean and I told her he'd rather stay in America with his roses to than to be with her here. I told her that boy in England are good too. She told me Anthony was dead that he fell off a horse. Right that night I was riding when she fell… she was thinking about his accident, she must've loved him a lot for her to be so upset just my hearing me ride my horse. She looked at me with angry eyes. So I told I'm going to pray for the dead… She was really really upset, she said I was too mean I told her that the dead don't come back that Anthony won't come back. I couldn't take it anymore, talking about Anthony, a poor boy who was dead, that I couldn't help being jealous of. But she talked about him with so much love and passion… I wanted her to talk like that about me!!! Well now I've upset, I was mean and rude to a dead boy, A DEAD BOY!!!! Was that worth getting the girl you love angry??? For a son of a duke you're very well educated Master Grandchester, how could talk ill of the dead!!!! It's not like he can come and take her away from you, he's dead! Maybe I wished he was real so I could fight with him. A dead guy is the one who did no wrong! But you doing and saying the wrong thing is not going to make things better. Good job, future duke, you did a really good job!!! You made the object of your affection angry at you!


	15. Chapter 15

_Dear God,_

Now that the May Festival is over let me tell you that I never had such a day in my life!

When I learned that Candy would be a flower girl in the festival, I decided to be the president of it hoping to spend more time with her. I told it to Sister Grey who was of course very suprised, she said that it was late for that but talking a little bit about my father helped me a lot and I became the president... Can you picture me as the president of the May festival?... I know it is the funniest thing.

Yesterday at zoo when I learned that Candy wasn't allowed to go to the festival I was so disappointed. I even went to talk to Sister Grey again, to ask her permission for Candy, I told her that I wanted to see all the students there but she didn't want to hear anything when it was about Candy... Well I can't blame her after all, even I, never called her the way my little freckled sweetheart did. I'm so proud of her... I had to talk again about my father to get the permission for only the evening of the festival. I thought it was better then nothing, also I knew that Candy would escape from the contemplation room as she did before.

This morning the first thing that I did was looking for her everywhere, but she was nowhere to be found... I even went to the ballroom, as if it was possible for her to go there without being noticed. But it was the last place that I didn't look at her in whole school. There I met Eliza, the girl that I saved last day from the hole. As if she wasn't the one who told me that I was the worst punk at school that I would dirty her hand, she wanted to dance with me!!! I guess she became one of my admirers. I had fun with her saying that I was a terrible dancer that I had a bad habit of stepping on one's feet while dancing... I even called her " a lady". The funniest thing is that she didn't even realized that I was making fun of her... Silly girl...

After I left the ballroom, as there wasn't any other place left to look for Candy, I decided to go rest up on a tree near of "her Pony Hill". Hoping to see her if she ever escapes and goes there. I didn't realized that I was at the best place at the best time... there was a young boy who came running under my tree, secrectly followed by Eliza. I almost fell from the tree when the boy took off his mask covering his beautiful green eyes and his wig hiding his soft blond hair. Oh God, it sounded weird, me talking about a boy's hair and eyes.... But he wasn't a boy, it was her... Candy disguised in Romeo... Eliza saw her and I know that she doesn't like her and would do anything to hurt her, just like her brother... I was watching Eliza leaving then I turned my head to see what Candy was doing and OH MY GOD... She was in her underwear... I couldn't even hope to see her like that one day but she was there... Her round and smooth shoulders were naked, they must be so soft... I wanted to caress them with little kisses... I could see the shape oh her young breast, while she was breathing fast hurriying to change, and the sun was going thorough her white and chiffon chemise, letting me guess how beautiful was the rest of her body that I couldn't see well but could picture easily. It was the most beautiful sight that I ever saw. God forgive me for talking like this but I can't hide from you how I felt when I saw her there... I could spend the rest of my life there watching her... She was so beautiful, I felt so helpless, seing her but not being allowed to touch her, kiss her, make her mine, being hers... Even now recalling that moment I can feel the desire growing in me... Enough daydreaming Terry!!!! When she finally changed from Romeo to Juliet, I felt like Romeo who saw his Juliet for the first time... I realized that she was ready to go, to leave me there like that, I didn't know what to say, how to stop her, what to do and I started to laugh... She heard me and looked at me surprised, confused, scared...I knew that she was wondering what I saw. To make her smile and make the stiuation look like funny instead of embarrassing I asked her if she brougth a monkey costume too and I even called her freckled tarzan. She asked me if I was watching her... YES I WAS... She was so pure so sweet... I didn't want to embarrass her more, I said that she was in my sight but I wasn't looking at her... (as if it was possible not to look at a beauty like her!). And she said that I was rude!!! Why, for not looking at her???

I thought that it was time to change the subject, so I jumped from the tree, and told her that Eliza knew her secret. My freckled love was of course very smart and already took precautions, by making look her bed like she was in it. I was happy that I would have all the day to pass with her. So I proposed her to go to her Pony Hill. I took her hand and we ran untill there. We were happy, We were free ... There was noone else in whole world but us! At the hill we started to talk. She said that she was feeling great. She was with me and she was "feeling great"... I was feeling great too, it was so peaceful... being there with her. I felt that I could talk to her about anything that she would understand. I told her a memory that I kept in my mind for years without telling anyone... The picnic that I had with my father and my mother. The only happy memory that I had in my life until I met Candy... Now I have many... She said that she was jealous of me. First I couldn't understand what she meant but then, she told me that she didn't have any memory with her parents at all. Yes Candy... my freckled angel... she had a worst life then mine and she kept always her smile, and consoled me. I'm the man I should be the one who consoles her!!! Then there was a very nice music coming from the festival. I wanted to dance with her, calling her princess Juliet. She accepted and she was in my arms.... We were dancing.... It was a magical moment, and she was looking daydreaming thinking about something. I thought that she was thinking about me, as all I was doing was thinking about her, I asked her what was the matter. The answer was like a cold shower! It just frozed me and broke my heart into thousand pieces.. She was thinking about Anthony!!! AGAIN!!! I pushed her, she fell on the ground. And I asked her to stop comparing me with him... How can I fight with a dead boy? I wish he was alive... Then I could compete with him. I told her that he was dead that he wouldn't come back from there. I wanted hurt her just the way she hurted me... She started to cry saying that she didn't love me.... I'd rather she just killed me there... She doesn't love me??? And I said that I hated people like her and left her there crying. God you don't know how I love her! Yes I admit it Terrence Grandchester, the "worst punk in school", the "bad boy" who never felt anything else but anger is IN LOVE. And the object of his affection keeps comparing him with a dead boy. I felt so bad leaving her like that. She only said that the music was the same that she danced with Anthony and I pushed her, I made her cry. I bet this Anthony never would make her cry... I'm sure he loved her tenderly, just like the way she deserves to be loved, he surely wasn't a brute like me. I realized that being jealous of Anthony and treating her like that wouldn't help me to win her heart. I wanted to talk to her, to apologize. She  
wasn't at Pony Hill I thought that she could be at the party as she had her costume, no one would recognize her. I saw her with her friends, I couldn't dare to approach, then I saw Eliza talking to her friend, I realized that she had something in her mind so I started to run with all my force to the contemplation room. I climbed the walls, ran on the roofs, jumped from one building to another and got in the contemplation room just in time to hide in the bed. A few minutes later I heard some steps at the stairs. I was right, Eliza came to the room with some other girls, I didn't know who they were I couldn't recognize their voices. I was waiting them to leave but Eliza wanted to see Candy to be sure that she was in bed. I took the risk to show them my arms and hands, thank God this Eliza and her friend were stupid enough to not knowing the difference between a boy's arm and a girl's arm... They left and my Freckled Tarzan came from the window. Her friends were so surprised to see me there. But Candy wasn't at all. As if I didn't make her cry an hour ago, she smiled at me and said that she knew it was me. I told her that she would be in trouble if I hadn't taken precaution. She said "Thank you Terry" smiling. I'm happy that at the end everything went fine and that she wasn't mad at me anymore. We left Candy in the contemplation room before sisters come to check her. I felt so bad to leave her there alone. But it was almost evening and I had the permission for her for the evening. I reminded that to sister Grey who let her finally leave the contemplation room. She came to join the end of the festival, she was happy with her friends, I watched her from far. It's getting late, I will sleep now... I know what I would like to dream of... Candy...


	16. Chapter 16

_Dear God,_

I've had lot of action lately. I was fighting with the dandy boy, Candy's cousin, about America. I provoked him saying Americans were all savages… I know, I'm half American and I am kind of a savage! The reverend mother arrived and that coward Neil Reagan snitched on the dandy who was punished, by the reverend mother because he started the fight. I felt a little bad. The next day, there was a rumour that Candy was punished for sneaking out of her bedroom to go see the dandy in his punishment room. I was on the tree playing the harmonica she gave me and I saw her. I was waiting for her… She asked me what I was doing on her tree. I came down the tree and told her I heard about what happened and if she asked me nicely, I would help her. She said she wouldn't kneel for me and that it was my fault. I told her that's why I wanted to help her out. She got upset at me and she left. Later that day, I heard the dandy and his brother saying that Candy would never kneel for anymore. I told then they were right and the brother said she was ready to do it for me. I was so happy she wanted my help and I ran…I talked to the reverend mother and it was easy to make her change her mind and I had my father hiring the cook for the castle in Scotland. Candy is going to come to Scotland and I'm going to see her… I'm actually looking forward to see her. I was on my tree branch thinking about Candy, who could over come her pride and ask for help and even the dandy who defends is country with so much passion. I wish I had their courage.


	17. Chapter 17

_Dear God,_

When I left school for Scotland, there was only joy in my heart. I was dreaming of the days that we would have together Candy and me… The first thing that I did was tell Mark about her. It was like I couldn't keep my happiness inside of me. I had to tell it to somebody. I was counting the days; I was planning to surprise her… I already decided about all that I was going to say to her… but you had other plans for me…

Tell me God, why you had to bring my mother to Scotland? It was so hard to see her after that day in New York when I went to see her and she rejected me. Now, she asks me to forgive her! And because of her I didn't want to see anybody today. Not even Candy! Yes; Candy was here a few minutes ago. I heard Mark calling outside my window telling me that the freckled lady was here… Instead of jumping of joy and running down the stairs to meet her, I just stayed in my room not daring to see her. I was so weak, so sad, didn't sleep all night and I didn't want her to see me like that. I was afraid. I don't know what would I do if I saw her this morning, I could hold her in my arms and start to cry… beg her to console me… like a baby… It wasn't how I planned our meeting in Scotland. Eleonor Baker! She had to ruin everything. I wanted to let Candy know that I was there and I tried to play harmonica… just for her. Then I couldn't play it anymore. And I heard her calling my name… asking me to let her see me… I couldn't stand it anymore and closed the window of my room. I didn't want to hurt her. I was just not ready to see her… I hope she understood…

Dear God,

I had another sleepless night because of that woman who dares to call herself my mother. We spent last night only fighting and I hurt her… she hurt me…I don't understand what she still wants from me…I will never forgive her! Never! I named the stupid sheep that keeps running, the number 93, Eleonor… she is as stupid as this sheep. I was running after it with Mark when it suddenly stopped running. To my surprise Candy was there, even the sheep knew that the best place to be on Earth was in Candy's arms. No 93, I mean Eleonor, calmed down under her caresses, maybe I just should have do the same. Let her caress me… I was happy to see her and I called her Freckled Tarzan which made Mark laugh and Candy get angry. Doesn't she see that this how I show her my love? She wanted to tell me something. She kept saying "over there". I knew whom she saw over there. Eleonor Baker left this morning crying after our fight and Candy saw her. And she asked me about last night… She knew about last night too! How? I don't know. I understood perfectly well, what she wanted to say but acted as if I didn't know what she was saying. The sheep started to run again and I took the opportunity to change the subject. But Candy wanted to talk about me and "my mother" so when Mark went to bring me the shears, she told me that she saw my mother over there that she came all the way from America to see me. I told her that my mother was in London, I can't believe that I actually called that stepmonster "my mother"! She insisted that Eleonor Baker was my real mother so I told her that I lied, that Eleonor Baker wasn't my mother… Mark came in time with the shears and I started to shear the sheep. When I think about all the things that I said to the poor creature while shearing it, I feel bad. I wonder what Candy felt… I just couldn't control myself, I totally lost it… But I was right in some point, a mother must protect her child with her kind heart and if she doesn't do that she isn't a mother. So Eleonor Baker isn't my mother…

When I finished shearing the sheep Candy was already gone. I spent the rest of the day in my room… This wasn't how I dreamt about our meeting in Scotland, this wasn't how I wanted to act… I don't think that Candy would like to see me again after how I acted today. She must think that I'm crazy! Thanks to Eleonor Baker, the Scotland days, of which I dreamt for so long, would be just boring, sad, lonely…  



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